This top-of-the-line AWD 1998 Chrysler Town and Country was purchased from a nice guy named Omar and hand-modded by DIY legend Chuck Mumford. The loaded, custom High Performance Van Build now sleeps 0-5 and features Big Agnes bedding, a light bar, perfectly average deck, modular awning, kitchen cart, custom Pit Viper storage containers, additional cup holders, heater, water tank, cargo compartment, and 100ft power cord (with caddy). Take ‘er for a spin in your nearest National Park, and show those tourists what real scenery looks like.

Fuck bidets, am I right? Admittedly, there’s no real answer to the age old Google search; “What is a lifetime’s supply of toilet paper?” Sources say we use an average of 57 sheet a day, but they lack adjustments for No Wipe November or Devastating Breakup December. We did the math, used our work to wipe, and accidentally flushed our final calculations. You know what, 3,200 rolls sounds about right.

You could win a trip to Sandals Jamaica for you and your special friend. Enjoy an all-inclusive 5-day luxury vacation to an adults only resort. Wait, seriously, “adults-only”? Free liquor, “private” pools? Hold on, has anyone actually been to a Sandals resort? What kind of freaky shit goes on there? Win this flight + stay package and let us know.

Step 1: Work alongside our in-house musical masterminds as they write, perform, and record a song just for you.

Step 2: Fly out to inspiring Salt Lake City, Utah, and spend a full day with the Pit Viper gang while we bring it all to life in a full effort music video - a la the cult sensation Gogglés.

Step 3: Enjoy the fame and remember us when you’re living in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars.

We teamed up with 10 Barrel Brewing Co. and are gifting you this entire ass painted van full of beer. You get to drink the beer AND keep the van. You can do whatever you want with it, we won’t tell! Use it as a band van. Make friends with the homeless guy who may or may not be sleeping in it as we speak. Sell your house and kids and hit the open road. Just don’t drink and drive.

Holy fucking shit, we’re sending you to PASTRANALAND. No skills required. Signed jersey, Pit Vipers, and general chaos included, duh. Spend no less than 6-9 hours riding pit bikes, learning to backflip, screaming, getting your ass beat in beer pong, or whatever you want with moto legend Travis Pastrana in his own backyard. (No overnight stays this time, we tried a full 24 hours once and we still can’t find that guy.)

Not one but TWO Onewheels XRs, custom painted by Tec Gnar Color, the official bike painter of Pit Viper. This is a $3,600 value before factoring in paint, and ART, which is priceless. Share them with a friend, or figure out how to ride two at once. Onewheel claims they have a top speed of 19mph but we know you’re faster than that.

“What am I gonna do with a flamethrower?” you ask. Fuck it, you’ll figure it out. I’d give you some suggestions, but my boss said that’s a bad idea. It’s illegal in California AND Maryland, which means it’s gotta be fun. They say every mistake is a lesson learned, that’s why a flamethrower is a great learning opportunity for kids! This XM-42 Flamethrower Lite will ship directly from the manufacturer and comes with a fun digital liability waiver for you to read only after something has gone horribly wrong.

A month ago, we stockpiled one of every item we had in stock. You could win ALL OF IT. Over 20 pairs of Pit Vipers, 28 hats, and 50 other soft goods and accessories. All together that’s a $4,000 value BEFORE the eggnog hits and we start adding items from our back stock. Holiday shopping blows, why not knock the next few years out right now?

This life-changing prize gives you 12 months of premium subscriptions to Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and one other dating service of your choice. But that’s not all! We’re including 24/7 customer support from our romance experts Chrissy and Chase. They’ll provide love and dating advice, schedule a professional photoshoot, send you a personalized photoshoot outfit, and work with you to create an expertly crafted dating profile. We’re so sure you’ll be head over heels within one year, we’ll even offer to pay for Pornhub Premium if it doesn’t work out.

When functions are a thing again, roll up to them in style with TWO Honda Elite motor scooters, ridden by the likes of Lou Reed, Miles Davis, and Grace Jones. Match your scooter to your mood. Cousin’s bar mitzvah? Arrive in the 2002 Honda Elite 80. Wedding in the Hamptons? Break out the 1985 Honda Elite 150. Both bear stunning one-of-a-kind Pit Viper decals and impressive gas mileages. Don’t settle for ANYTHING other than a Honda Elite. Fuck it, make that TWO Honda Elites.

We may have saved the best for last, but rest assured it’ll always come in first. We’re giving away this 1996 Ford Thunderbird racecar with only 55k original miles. Do those numbers excite you? How about these; 205 horsepower, 275lb-ft of torque, a 4.6 L fire-breathing V8 engine, #69420 of 112,302 ever produced. She’s the street legal version of the car that 23 Nascar drivers used in 1996, including Dale Earnhardt, Jeff Gordon, Dale Jarrett, and series champion Terry Labonte. We can’t give away actual sex but we can give away this beast with a custom Pit Viper wrap and your own signature featured above the door.