It’s a Cyber Fuckin’ Monday Sale. When This Ends You Fucking Blew It.
EVERTHING IS 35% OFF!
USE CODE '35OFF'
It’s a Cyber Fuckin’ Monday Sale.
NEW AND IMPROVED PRICING DOCUMENT
November 1st, 2020 - For Immediate and Powerful Release
This memo comes from the desk of the chairman of the board of directors of the company formerly and currently known as Pit Viper.
Let’s dive straight in. Q3 numbers have been off the charts, but we’re going to include charts anyway just to show you. We are seeing record breaking numbers in the product proficiency portals. As demand increases, our quarterly profits are increasing exponentially. ROI numbers have increased 69%, while worker productivity is up 3 fold. HR violations are at an all time low, while aggressive acquisitions of local vehicles are way up. The CEO is in the black while the COO is in Bali. Quarterly projections are showing increased availability of monetary gains and decreased availability of available product. The board of directors are doubling their investments while the directors of the board have agreed to bring Tall T’s back. All throughout the initial timeline we’ve seen incredible fellatio inflation. Our deck is expanding quickly and we are preparing to expose it to the world.
Adjusted Gross Profits
Fig 2. Ew
Budget and Spending Changes
A detailed look at our budget breakdown.
Nonessential spending took precedence as we pursued excellence and high standards in the work place.
|Q3 BUDGET TABLE|
|All of Black Friday 7: The Giveaway Prizes||$69,000|
|50 Gallon Drum of Lube||$80|
|Warehouse Beer Supply||>$1,000,000|
|Front Row Tickets to Kenny Loggins on Ice||$23,000|
|Shitty Hats Acquisition||$17.76 and half a cig|
|Moist Toilet Wipes||$6.95|
|Rectum Removal Operation||$50,000|
|Yearly Limo Supply||$4,000|
Due to aggressive purchasing limits and an optimistic budgeting system, spending increased 10 fold this quarter. In order to address this, HR is bringing in an intern with actual math skills to assist in balancing our budget sheets and reconsidering responsible budget allocations. That being said, new habits die hard and there are no plans to decrease spending at the moment, only talks of allocating more money to Chuck’s garage expansion.
Incomes and Outcomes
Depends, are they on birth control?
Fig 7. Fuck Off Greg
Our extravagant spending is of no worry to the rest of the shareholders (see fig.7), as our monthly income has expanded exponentially compared to past years. The C Suite have faced accusations of money laundering at multiple points in the fiscal year, yet these claims have been unfounded as no dryer sheets were found on the premises.
Current Supply & Demand Metrics:
We have the power.
The year 2020 has seen drastic changes in human migration, confidence, and purchase probability. The Pit Viper supply that was once perfectly adequate and fully satisfying to the people of 2019 is no match for the demand of the 2020 customer. As the company has seen such a dramatic increase in demand, we as the board of directors believe steps have to be taken to address this.
As most finance students will remember, Professor Robert Boucher once stated in his 1993 study of eyewear economics, aptly titled, Essentials of Business Growth, Firming, and Girth Expansion: Volume II
“At some point, you will find yourself in an airplane’s bathroom, admiring yourself in that strange light while you relieve yourself. The person looking back at you will be richer, stronger, more powerful than your younger self could have ever dreamed. The rush of power will overcome you and in that moment, right before the soul sucking airplane flush and the second drink cart round, you will reach a metamorphosis. You will emerge from that complicated folding door a CEO. From that point on, you will have to make decisions that put the company first. One question has plagued leaders like you for millennia, is it better to be loved, or feared? In this audio tape, you will learn that Demanding Respect and Authority comes at a cost. Can you afford it?”
It is from this integral economics theory and core business belief that we have decided to unveil, for the first time since the birth of the company, a strategic move:
NEW AND IMPROVED PRICING
THE GREAT PRICE INCREASE
|Previous Price||New & Improved Price|
|Polarized Originals & Double Wides||$89||$99|
|Polycarbonate / Low-Light Originals & Doublewides||$59-$79||$59-$79|
Starting November 3rd, 2020, we will be implementing a new and improved pricing system. Customers will cheer when they hear that Polarized Originals and Double Wides are now only $99. The 2000s line will boast the impressive new price of $119. All other models will remain the same.
While we as a company want to start to make more money right now, it has been brought to my attention that the marketing team wants to warn the public about THE GREAT PRICE INCREASE. They believe that we should give customers the opportunity to buy Pit Vipers at their original boring price before THE GREAT PRICE INCREASE. Suck ups. We are graciously allowing them a 7 day grace period before New & Improved Pricing is implemented.
In reviewing the Marketing team’s proposal, the goal is to reach public approval rates of 69+% with this campaign. As for the campaign concept, they are proposing that we-
They want to publish this, our secret internal memo, to the world?
Pshh. Yeah. Okay, Johnson. That’s gonna be good for business....
More Business Terms We’ve Always Wanted to Yell Into a Car Phone:
Take that, corporate!
We're gonna have to fudge some numbers here
I've got the entire board of directors up my ass