Now just what the fuck is going on here?


Prizes the likes of which you’ve never seen. Prizes that will forever alter the earth’s gravitational pull with the collective gasp of “Holy Shit” that results from their reveal. Prizes that only we would be crazy enough to give away for free. Yeah, you’re gonna want to bookmark this.

The Prizes

Frequently Asked Questions

For You Stupid FAQers:

Technically none of you have asked any stupid questions yet because we’re posting this before the giveaway goes live. These are just our guesses at the dumb questions you’ll probably ask.

I don’t understand the rules. It seems like you ran out of space up top to explain this and I like long-winded explanations. What’s the big idea?

We are giving away 12 honestly insane prizes from now until November 30th. One prize per day. One mental breakdown for our team per day. One winner per day.

How long is this going on for?

12 Days. Hence why we’re calling it, the “12 Days of Turbo.” We’ll start right after midnight on November 19th and end in a drunken rage around midnight, November 30th.

How do I enter?

Each day a new prize will arrive. Click the enter to win button. Fill out your name. Then your last name. Then your email. Then--you know what--you got this.

How long do I have to enter?

You have all day to enter for that day’s prize. Entries will close at midnight MOUNTAIN STANDARD TIME (!!!). We made it really hard for you to fuck it up this year.

Can I enter for every prize?

You can enter for all 12 prizes, but remember: you DO have to come back each day to enter for that day’s prize. We suggest doing this. These are awesome prizes.

Can I enter multiple times for one prize?

I mean technically, yes. But we’ll be filtering out all multiple entries, so I’d find something better to do with your time.

How old do I have to be to enter?

18 or older*. Last year we said we didn’t give a fuck. Turns out, the new legal guy we hired really does. Thanks a lot, Derek.

* (Unless the prize involves alcohol. In that case, your age will be verified by state officials when you pick up the prize. If you’re not 21, they will not give it to you. So don’t waste your time or theirs.)

What’s the catch? Do I have to buy something?

You don’t have to buy anything to enter. You don’t have to sign anything to enter. We won’t text you or sell your phone number if you enter. We may harass you if you enter, but only if you win.

When are the winners decided?

The winner is decided the day after the entries close. We like fast turnarounds here. Suspense is for foreplay and scary movies.

How will I know if I won?

We will call you. Probably from a number you’ve never seen before. Answer your damn phone. There may be a free car waiting on the other line.

What if I don’t want the prize I won?

Yes you do, you signed up for it.

Is this legal?

What do we look like, attorneys?

How will you get the prize to me?

Don’t worry about it sweetheart. If it’s shippable, we’ll spend a ridiculous amount of money to ship it to you. If it’s not, we’ll fly you out to retrieve it.

Can I contact your customer service to ask questions even though you wrote out this whole FAQ to prevent that?

We’d rather you didn’t but ok, Karen. https://pitvipersunglasses.com/pages/contact

How are you making money off this?

We aren’t. Our accountant Neil is tearing his hair out as we speak.

Couldn’t you have just done a discount for Black Friday like everyone else?

We are doing a 20% off discount site wide Friday through Monday, but we wanted to see if we could make our graphic designer cry, again.

Knock Knock. Who’s there?

I.

I Who?

I don’t have time for this I’m trying to write an FAQ.

Why only 12 Days?

We wanted to do 13 but our accountant Neil looks really ugly when he cries.

What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you’re gonna hurl?

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she’s yours. But if you spew and you bolt, it was never meant to be.

I made it to the bottom. Do I win anything?

Congratulations. You won this.